Intimidation in the Workplace

Last modified: 03/31/2004

If any of these apply to you:

There's an angry guy at work that everyone steers clear of. You hope he doesn't say hello to you.
Sometimes you're afraid of your friend/boss/co-worker at work.
You find yourself the object of some mean jokes made by the same person, but when you protest, he tells you that you are too uptight and need to learn how to relax. You did not think you had this problem, until now, and the "jokes", which no one seems to laugh at but him, continue.
Sometimes you feel like a puppet, with someone else pulling strings you did not know you had.
You don't agree with something, but you think it's smarter to comply rather than speak up. It makes you nervous to consider speaking up, especially with certain people.

Read on...

I recently had a most unpleasant experience at work. Someone at work was trying to bully me and my colleagues. And with some people, he was succeeding. Intimidation undermined the work environment, and began rotting the company from the inside out. Mine was a small company, and we could not afford it. No company can afford this. No person need suffer it.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on this. If you want to skip my opinion and go straight to the expert advice, see the reading list at the bottom of this page. If you feel that you are in physical danger, stop reading this web page and call the police.

So what is intimidation? Getting you to comply through fear, rather than asking nicely. Your fear may come from a clear threat (example: I'll get you fired), or from a vague threat (examples: angry glares, losing temper, yelling). Personally, I think the vague threat is worse, as it invites your imagination to invent what might happen, which usually seems scarier than actual words. Like how a psychological thriller can be scarier than horror film.

How it starts: The intimidator may seem like a friendly person, or may hold a grudge against you from the start. Rather than just being a genuine friendly person, the intimidator uses friendship as a tool, as he is searching for new victims. With each potential victim, the intimidation escalates gradually. The intimidator is always testing to see how far they can push you. Recall the saying "a wolf in sheep's clothing": do you identify with the sheep? Before you answer that, lamb chop, consider what wolves do to sheep. I'm not saying not to trust friendly people: I'm saying if your friends turn into monsters, you should re-read this web site as you try to figure out what's going on. It's up to you to judge your own friends.

Some people respond to the cold stares, bulging eyes, and panicked demands as childish antics, and laugh them off. If you are one of these people, congratulations: you failed the victim test. Please watch out for your colleagues, and tell them about this web page. If you see a problem - Speak Up! There are enough people who are victimized that intimidating behavior remains a problem.

What is with these people? It's like this: remember in 3rd grade when one kid learned that if they pushed other kids around on the playground, they could get what they wanted? Maybe you tried this yourself. The teacher scolds, and the bully changes their ways. Eventually, we grow up and learn how to get along with others. Some kids, however, latch on to the "bullying gets results" lesson and never let it go. They are willing to live with the minor complication that it only works if they don't get caught. Now they are 20 years old, or 30, or maybe 40 (there's really no age limit), and as far as they are concerned, it still works.

They may be just cowards inside, not knowing how to do things differently, and are afraid of failure (didn't learn that lesson, either), and whatever they touch seems in danger of imminent failure because of uncooperative people (surprise).

Or they may be bona fide nut cases with an arsenal in the trunk of their car. So be careful.

In either case, it is important to realize that in the area of learning how to interact with people, you have mastered many lessons. Bullies are emotionally stuck in the 3rd grade. You are able to learn new ways of interacting people, and they closed their minds long ago. Be smart.

What YOU can do NOW

Begin a journal. Log all contact with the bully that you feel is threatening. Never mind whether other people would agree with your definition of "threatening" -- just write down what happened. Do not start tomorrow. Do not start the next time it happens. Start NOW.
Regardless of whether you think HR or management can or will do anything about the intimidation, it's important to report the situation, with documentation. In the unlikely case that a bully would actually act out, managers can be held personally liable if they don't take action on reported incidents -- just like with sexual harassment cases. Get any incidents on record.
Be sure to assert to the bully that their behavior and comments are unacceptable. Be specific, use quotes. When/if the bully denies aggressive intent, assert that the intention is not what you object to, it's the behavior that needs to stop. Comments about your poor sense of humor or thin-skinned nature are just diversions; be sure to assert that the menacing behavior stop. Log any incident.
Find a friend to talk to about the situation, don't keep the bullying behavior a secret - that just aids the bully. If necessary, ask your friend to help you rehearse your assertion message to the bully. Use the reading list below. Don't expect your assertion to work miracles. Try any way, because the bullying certainly won't stop if you are silent.
In the current workplace environment, threats of violence are usually taken very seriously. Aggressive, threatening, intimidating behaviors generally indicate an unstable, immature personality that should not be treated lightly, even if you think that the bully would not actually act on his threats. If HR or management do not respond, consult the police.

Maybe you figure you can handle the trouble maker yourself, and there is no need to involve others. Maybe you can. But that only addresses your problem, not the problems of people who aren't speaking up. If you are silent, then you will not know how many other people have been treated like you. Silence is the bully's friend. If you are silent, now you are his friend, too.

Responding to an early draft of this web page, a former co-worker, who had not been bullied, wrote, "I know the situation you're referring to here.... I really appreciate the dialog on this. If anything like this ever happens in my sphere again, I will definitely follow up immediately. I wish I had at the time, partly because I don't like to see a bully prosper, and partly because I think that boy [the bully] needs some help."

Reading List: I suggest you start with some web sites and books. Your company's management might support your grievance just because they're good people, but with some good research under your belt, you will be in a better position to present your case. My suggestions:

BullyBuster.org: Campaign Against Workplace Bullying. This is a great web site!
LadybugBooks.com: Intimidation in the Workplace. Definitions and lots of links! Also information on domestic violence.
Canada Safety Council: Bullying in the Workplace. A nice report that defines the issues and discusses the psychology of intimidation in the workplace.
Canadian Initiative on Workplace Violence: Bullying and Intimidation.
American Psychological Association: Bullying in the workplace is a violence warning sign (article).
U.S. Office of Personnel Management: Dealing with Workplace Violence - a Guide for Agency Planners. See "Part II: Case Studies", especially cases 12-15.
USDA Workplace Violence Prevention Program. Also see Workplace Violence Prevention Taskforce 2000: Report of Recommendations.
Workplace Violence Research Institute: The Cost of Workplace Violence to American Business (article). A fiscal study.
James Cook University: HR Guidelines on Bullying and Intimidation. An example of guidelines that may be different at your workplace.
McClure Associates: Violence and Harassment In The Workplace: The 10 Most Common Mistakes Companies Make.
BusinessTrainingMedia.com: Workplace Violence Prevention. Training materials.
Colorado Anti-bullying Project (schools).
"Control Freaks: Who they are and how to stop them from ruining your life", by Gerald Piaget. The title says it all. A book is written with a practical, informal viewpoint. It is not specifically focused on the workplace. Also see Book Reviews, Psychology.
"Winning Through Intimidation", by Robert Ringer. Primarily focused on sales situations, this gives a practical background on how intimidation works. While the title may suggest instruction in intimidation techniques, it is really about the dynamics of intimidation. This book was fun to read, even though I'm not in sales.
"Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change", by Sharon Bower. This is a workbook for developing assertiveness skills. It is not specifically focused on the workplace, and emphasizes developing assertiveness skills rather than dealing with intimidation.
"Aikido in Everyday Life: Giving in to Get Your Way", by Terry Dobson. No, this is not a martial arts book. Teaches techniques to help the reader analyze the attack being made against them, and how to choose between possible responses. I liked this book, but I wish many more pages were devoted to responses.
"Death March: The Complete Software Developer's Guide to Surviving Mission Impossible Projects", by Edward Yourdon. Gives practical advice for recognizing and responding to wildly unrealistic project goals. Every software developer working for a corporation should read this.

You may now be thinking, "These are self-help books on how to change myself . I don't want to change -- I like myself the way I am! It's the jerk at work that should change because they are the one with the problem". Well, I have news for you: if you read through this web page and thought, "This is happening to me," then it seems as though you have a problem, too.

One final thought: You are not alone.

Follow up

Surprisingly, my company's management took no action against the intimidating behavior. Why? I never found out for sure. Some possible reasons:

The employee was effective. Why fix it if it ain't broke?
Victims would not report (because they were afraid of retaliation, especially if management happened to not take action).
The employee's boss was also an intimidator, and condoned his employee's behavior (birds of a feather flock together). To deal with the employee required dealing with his boss, also, and that was too much trouble.
If we issued one reprimand, we would surely have to later issue more, and eventually have to fire the guy. Hiring a replacement seems like too much work.
Wished it wasn't happening (denial).

The company and I went separate ways before I could apply what I learned. Not long after, I noticed the intimidator driving on my street and checking out my residence. This crossed the line for me, and I called the police. He is now on file at the local police department. Whether his police file grows or not is up to him.

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